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August 17th, 2008
sucess! I am happy to say that I managed to get done almost every single thing on my summer shit list, INCLUDING visiting elena in DC! isn't that wonderful?! the only thing I didnt really do was the whole weight loss thing (pfft.) but i might start detoxing tomorrow, we'll have to see. i feel very proud that i got mostly everything done that i needed done. unfortunatly, i didnt end up get a job in the city (next summer!), so I stuck around here and finally made use of my lifeguard certification. ive been working there for about a month and i STILL havent seen a paycheck, so the first one i get will probably be over a grand. sweet, no? too bad i have debts to pay off BEFORE i purchase items of my own.

in any case, i return to you now with my final summer shit list...actually, it's more of a shit schedule for the next few days, since this is when i will be auditioning for american idol (HA!) and returning to school. here we go!

monday, august 18th

day starts at 5:00 am, where i will get gas and proceed to drive to east rutherford, new jersey to register for american idol, then get home, hopefully sometime around 8am.
breakfast/call eye doctor to get contact perscription.
pick up contact perscription and (hopefully!) paycheck
have kristin cash check
payback: mom ($220 for rental car & phone bill) kristin($120 for various charges) karen ($15 for les miz ticket, plus something for movie ticket?) linda (send $100 bucks for saving my ass with M&T, write her a letter!) total: $455
first orders of business: gas in the car, grocery shopping, SHOPPING. down comforter, D&B bag, jeans, new beret, shoes, adgenda, ect. perhaps a mall trip with karen is in order? CALL THIS BITCH BEFORE NOON.
packing for school: call elena about microwave, huge load of laundry, start gathering things to be shipped up to school.
nap perhaps?
pack snacks and set out clothes and such for tomorrow.
see paolo at night!

tuesday, august 19th
get to NJ by 8am to be on line. god help me.
1 cmnt

yet another summer shit list [Tuesday
July 1st, 2008
it's that time of year again, folks. time for me to jot down my list of shit i need to/want to/probably wont get done in the next few weeks. ive already accomplished going to the eye doctor, a rare and monumental occurrence in my life. other things to do:

-get a JOB. I've already been in the city three times interviewing/auditioning for jobs but to no avail. waiting (praying) for my application to be a hostess at Finnegans to come through and another theater job i applyed for to come through as well. i still might send my work resume to the Birdland jazz club.

-visit Elena in Washington DC. I REALLY want to go this weekend for the 4th of July, but if I dont get a job at some point this week, I doubt that will happen. in any case, I want to visit her before she comes home.

-buy a bathing suit for florida. i think kristin and i may accomplish this soon

-starting NOW, i want to put in an effort to lose weight/become more active. i want to go back to school tan, skinn(ier) and happy. detox may or may not be in order at some point. also, a trip to the grocery store might be in order as well. not only is this about losing weight, but i want to be healthy and have peace of mind, including taking vitamins and getting outside more. I REALLY need to work on my skin, its atrocious. I'm also thinking bikeriding when keith and kristin are at work. i need to look up good biketrails around me.

-finish organzing room. my mom gave me a good head start by cleaning the boxes from my room, but it's now up to me to put things in their place, aka fixing my closet and books and whatnot. also, getting internet for my computer and cable for my TV is in order.

-i need a day in barnes & noble and staples. i want to buy binders and organize all my theater stuff. i want one binder for my monologues and any one act scenes ive done so far, as well as the info for romero & juliet and urinetown. i need to really start reading up on dear old shakespeare. i also want to buy jane austen's biography. i need another binder for all my music as well. i also need notebooks and a new agenda.

-i eventually want enough money this summer to buy a new bag in chinatown in august, Nina by Nina Ricci perfume, and pointe shoes. absurd i know, but i REALLY want a pair. i also need new clothes. but i need money to SAVE.

-upon returning to school, i need to start bikeriding more. rollerblading too. i need to remember to take time for myself.

this list will be edited as necessary, aka when i accomplish something or if i remember something else that needs to be accomplished. im sick of sitting around. it's time to make use of my life.
0 cmnt

June 10th, 2008
My journal is so old that the picture in the background of my layout has been removed from photobucket by whoever was hosting it. Weird!

All I seem to use this thing for now is to write slight random blurbs out of all-encompassing boredom, when I've been on facebook about nine times in two minutes and I'm absolutly sure for the LAST TIME that I have no new emails. Or when I need to make a list. Or post a lyric. I should do both, but the beauty of Livejournal is, I can do whatever the fuck I WANT. Not like anyone reads this thing anymore anyway. I remember when to me, the Livejournal community felt so full, just full of people and life and like 20 comments in a row on any given entry. Back when it was the fad of the moment. Now it feels empty and hollow. I used to feel connected to people when I wrote in this. Now I feel more alone than ever.

But whatever kills some time at 1:30am right? =)

I never wrote about my father in this. I never wrote about a lot of monumental things in this. I suppose that's all a part of growing up and moving on. I wonder if I'll ever delete this thing. I wonder if it will ever delete itself.

Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say
Please don't be mad with me, I have no identity
All that I've known is gone, all I was building on.

I am 19 years old now. Goodnight and goodluck folks. 
2 cmnt

Ella Did it Right [Monday
May 26th, 2008
Go on and sing my heart
You know its spring my heart
So why not show it?

Pretend youre glad my heart
Although you're sad my heart
He mustn't know it

Remember, love is not an easy game
No two hearts ever beat quite the same

Go on and dance my heart
Our only chance my heart
Is to forget it

Should you despair my heart
He'll know we care my heart
And well regret it

If it's to be, we soon shall see
And if its not to be,
No power on earth can make it so.
0 cmnt

March 20th, 2008
I wonder  what my friends here at school would think if they knew that not only do I still have my LiveJournal, but I still update it from time to time too. After the conversation of past internet fads we all had at lunch today, I think it's nifty that I can still retain this secret from them. 
heh. I'm such a badass.
0 cmnt

March 12th, 2008
 do you think you can truly help who you're weak-in-the-knees attracted to and who you're not?
3 cmnt

December 29th, 2007
i think im going to have a mental breakdown soon. i hope that doesnt make me look weak.
0 cmnt

i cant believe i still write in this thing... [Saturday
December 29th, 2007

...but i had nowhere else to go. i have to rant before i EXPLODE. i cant update everyone on my life thus far, but ill give you the jist of it; my life SUCKS. then again, doesnt life always suck when im so desperate as to resort back to writing in my trusty old livejournal that no one reads anymore? well it seems like every sucking get a little more suckier as i get older. maybe it just a winter thing, like seasonal depression or something; the fact that i havent seen sunlight in a week is actually starting to get to me. but whatever the case, i feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. im helpless and i dont know what to do to fix it.

first of all, for those that didnt know, i have a boyfriend now. well, sort of. its only been a few weeks and we've had more drama than a soap opera. he's tried to break it off twice already. guess thats what happens when you decide to date someone whos doing theater for their career. but honestly, jonas is different, he's not the theater-y type at all, i mean he's from brooklyn for christ's sake. but still, i dont know what to do about this anymore. for one thing, he has NO idea how to be a boyfriend, like he doesnt use common sense at all...for instance, he practically REFUSES to pick up a goddamn phone and call me. he hasn't called me once this break, and i've been home for...7 days. a WEEK without speaking to someone whom im supposed to be sharing my life with. blah. and it really sucks because i promised myself that when i got into a relationship i would never be that fucking "girlfriend" and be all annoying and whiny and bitch about shit...and so far, i think ive been very calm and reasonable about a LOT of things, but this kid is absolutely ridiculous, he wont call me, he'll go days with seeing me for like 10 minutes at a strech...but its annoying because i KNOW he wants to be in the relationship because he's the type of guy who would have no problem saying "fuck this" if he didnt want to do it. im just...frusturated. but the worst part is, i dont think he knows how badly im falling for him, like...its BAD. like i could spend every minute of every day with just him and never get bored or tired of it...i just feel like i never get to see him enough. when he doesnt call or try to contact me i turn into this HUGE anxious stress-mess. ugh, i deserve to rot in hell for being this way. i cant believe i even got myself into this whole mess...but now i cant even get myself out even though im unhappy...because when he IS being good and when hes with me its like...amazing. it's bliss, it's the only thing that makes me euphorically happy. and yeah, i lost my virginity to him too. WHY AM I GETTING SO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED. maybe it's because he has a passion for jazz , but hes still a tough guy from brooklyn, but he's still beyond adorable and melts in my arms when we sleep together. ugh, i really fucked myself over this time...i dont know what to do. break up with him because he didnt call or give him the benefit of the doubt and give him more chances? this isnt the first time hes done this either...even in school i would see him a lottt one minute, and than see him for like two minutes in two days. i want to talk to him everyday, i want to sleep with him every night, it's driving me NUTS, im a total wreck and he doesnt even know it. and i dont know what to do about it anymore.

in other news, me and my friend jen from school havent spoken in weeks. she liked jonas, and after this whole thing happened she didnt feel like she could trust me anymore or some bullshit like that...she still talks to jonas though. pfft. i fucking hate girls. so easy to forgive the guy who fucked you over, but the girl? it's gotta be this big thing. in any case, i do feel guilty for everything that happened, and i do miss her. and i also want her to fucking LOOK AT ME when we're in class or social setttings together. its so akward, seriously, we'll be standing a foot away from each other and she just pretends i dont exsist. so i lost my best friend for a wonderful yet shitty relationship. sweet.

aaron still isnt speaking to me either. refer back to my earlier livejournal post about that.

now for news from the academic front: so i completely fucked up my first semester of college, getting a whopping 1.35 GPA which automatically puts me on academic probation. i failed 4 classes, three of which i have to retake next year and one of which ill retake next semester. cool. following in my high school footsteps. and it was all because i couldnt wake up for the classes with an attendance policy. and being on academic probation means i cant do the one acts festival in the spring. awesome. one thing jonas and i fight about is me and going to classes. so i have that stress on top of everything else. im afraid if i loose jonas now, it'll just fuck me up for next semester too. im just really angry at myself. it's not like im at a particularly difficult school either, im doing musical theater at shitty fredonia. ugh, i just want to run away and never go back to fucking fredonia with its fucking people who fuck my life up.

so now im back home and of course have become noctournal again, and im terrified of calling my bosses at jackson and wheeler to ask for my hostess job back because im pretty sure by this time they either a) have a hostess or b) dont really need one anyway. jonas still hasnt even tried to reach me, and ive had to be the one to take the inititive to call the rest of my school friends. well, you know what, whatever. im done with that. if they want to talk to me they can call ME. im finished with fredonians untill i can go back and try to fucking fix my mistakes.

and ive gained weight since ive been home too. i want nothing more than to be able to go to sleep and wake up at normal hours so i can get my ass on a treadmill, but so far that hasnt worked.

oh, and im broke as FUCK. 80 dollars to my name, what else is new. we didnt have christmas in my house this year because i just moved to cortlandt manor, and my family was too busy unpacking shit to have a christmas. we couldnt find the tree anyway. so my mom gave me 150 bucks in a check, which could basically buy me a pack of gum at the rate im going.
but yeah, speaking of moving...cortlandt manor is not alieviating my stress at all. its such an annoying trek to get to briarcliff to see my friends and live my life. we basically live like, in the woods of cortlandt...the house is nice i guess, but waaay smaller than im used to, and not at all supposed to house 5 people who dislike each other. i dont even have a room, its like, an alcove of the living room, theres no wall seperating my room from the living room yet. ghetto, i know....and you can hear EVERYTHINGG in this damn house, i have no privacy at all! jesus.

lets think of something good thats happened.

well, i was in the city yesterday and i bought the tiniest bowl everrr, its adorable, i cant wait to smoke out of it, should be interesting =)

wow...if anyone can give me tips on how to fucking kick myself in the ass and fix my life instead of sitting here ranting about it, i would greatly appreciate it. now if you'll excuse me, i have to go sleep for 15 hours because im just that awesome. goodnight.

1 cmnt

November 30th, 2007
I'm  just sort of upset with the way things have been going since returning to fred from thanksgiving break. like, things were amazing, then they werent, then they were okay again, now they're just a mess. i cant trust anyone, i feel like this drama is ruining my life. and the worst part about it is, i cant really talk about it to anyone because im the biggest advocate of sucking it up if shit happens. but i feel sick.
0 cmnt

November 20th, 2007
[ mood | loved ]

Forceflow827: ummm happy birthday kiddo 
tennischica89x: HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Auto response from keptsecret8907 (5:16:50 PM): Fagitude's homoImean... home
Out with my bestesbuddyburrbump.
Life's good.
P.S: today, a sex goddess was born. Her real name is not public knowledge... but her closest friends call her simply, Kim. <3 HAPPY 19th BEYOTCH

broadwayjen07: happy birthday love

PolythenePamJam: happy birthday asshole!
PolythenePamJam: i love you
PolythenePamJam: :-*
PolythenePamJam: have the floppiest, most fabulous, flippin birthday ever
and wear a condom

TheBigMPNerse72: happy birthday!


that plus 4 pages of facebook well wishes, 4 texts and a phonecall at midnight was the best present i couldve recieved, Honestly, you can make fun of me for this, but it's just really nice to be loved. Even if it's just a simple happy birthday on a facebook, knowing that someone took the time out of their day to wish me well is the best feeling in the world. I'm glad i was born right before thanksgiving, because i can truly be thankful for everyone and everything in my life at this moment, both college friends and friends at home. at this moment, I love everyone =)

0 cmnt

September 25th, 2007
i kind of really love college. a lot. alotalotalot. i have awesome friends, an awesome roomate, and im never ever bored. i havent even been homesick...im starting to feel like this is my actual home. how is this possible? im in fredonia. FREDONIA. FRED-OWN-YAH. and ive only been here for about a month...but what a ridiculous month it has been. every day has been wonderful, my classes are actually interesting, i have theater practice and my job as a night desk attendant which is the coolest job ever and gives me drunk bitch thursdays, voice lessons, themed parties, bomb threats, going to canada, mudsliding in the rain, video games in the boys suite in Disney till like 4am, walking into the common room of Disney to eat debbie's leftover birthday food and finding it packed with tons of people you've slowly fallen in love with, who have all gathered to eat and watch family guy. jen, liz, jonas, matt, elliot, erica, aubrey, andy, mark, crystal, dan, brad, katydavey, kristina, debbie, jon, rick, jamie, brian, sammy, elena, big michael and little michael, even julia, lauren, emma and kyle, and a bunch of random people that are mere acquaintances but will probably soon enough feel like family. and my roomate kyleigh, who i owe my life to on more than one occaision, who goes to wal-mart with me almost every night and lets me borrow her clothes and listens to Hanson with me and helps me to our room if im too drunk to function (which only happened like once, but still...=)). i feel completely and utterly accepted by everyone here, and im excited for what the future holds.

now the question is...to transfer or not to transfer.
because im having an awesome time for now, but i couldnt ever imagine myself staying here for the whole time, i just couldnt. im having fun and everything but like, it was never the plan, i have bigger dreams for myself that dont involve being stuck in a dinky SUNY in the middle of nowhere for 4 years, regardless of how much fun i have socially or how many friends i have. i would stay two years tops. but what then? what happens if by the end of sophomore year it's too late and im already in too deep? but what happens if by the end of this first year i dont want to transfer? i have to start thinking about this stuff now though...applications are due. i have to schedule auditions. wtf. wtfwtfwtf. what do i do?
0 cmnt

September 7th, 2007
[ mood | numb ]

 AndThenAaronSaid (6:39:54 PM): I love you
AndThenAaronSaid (6:40:09 PM): I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but honesty will set me free and all that bullshit
AndThenAaronSaid (6:40:30 PM): I'm going to remove you from my buddy list and facebook now
AndThenAaronSaid (6:40:38 PM): Goodbye Kim.

1 cmnt

September 1st, 2007
ugh, i wish my family would stop contacting me, it's making me sad.
like im loving college, i havent had any episodes of homesickness or anything, but my sister keeps calling me crying because shes homesick, and my brother actually called me the other day just to talk which he's NEVER done, and he sends me pictures of my cat. it's breaking my heart. my family really does function better when we're apart for a while. but its making it hard being away from home. i would be perfectly fine if everyone else in my family was perfectly fine, but my sister's not, my brother secretly isnt, and my parents dont know what to do with themselves. its weird.

in any case, fredonia isnt that bad really. i havent been homesick and am complerely loving the college experience. but its like, i dont hate it, but i dont love it either. i'll still transfer. whatever.
0 cmnt

a serious rant, sans proper grammar [Wednesday
July 18th, 2007
its not like i try to be a bitch. its like, the two parts of myself are always fighting, the angel and the devil. a lot of the time i AM a bitch just because i dont want to deal with things. a lot of things piss me off, the stupidity of people for one. 

and then theres him. the angel side of me feels bad for leading him on, with my own psycho mixed-up self. i did legitly like him at one point, but i realized it was all just a game, just a silly little game i play on silly little boys. but the angel part of me knows that this one goes deeper than the rest. this guy truly loved me, loves me, whatever. i didnt mean for it to go so far, but he was cute, he had a girlfriend, i was having a good day. what i realize now is that i fell for the chase, not the guy. and so i started chasing, and he broke up with his girlfriend, and then i was still mid chase, and then i went to visit him and...boom. the chase is over. the thrill is gone, i got what i wanted. i want what i cant have, and so i went in for the kill and won. But how can you tell a guy whos gone head over heels for you that it was all just a game? a game some sick 18 year old girl whos never had a boyfriend and whos only looking for true fairytale love played. and i get so defensive too. like when he started IMing me every day, or calling or facebooking or texting or WHATEVER, and i found myself avoiding him more and more, using my silly excuses. "oh sorry, i have to get ready for prom", '"oh im so sorry i havent been around to talk, dont think ive been avoiding you its just that with prom and graduation ive been super busy" blah blah BLAH.

it's ALL bullshit. i wasnt actually thaaaat busy, i was just avoiding the talk i knew would have to come eventually, i forgot that i had just totally fucked around with some guy's emotions, and eventually it would all explode into a big mess, and the angel part of me would feel all guilty like "ohh no, what have i done?! why did i fuck around with this guy, hes so sweet and caring and i played him like a violin and i KNOW i did too! maybe i still do care about him...?" while the devil part of me is screaming "FUUUCK THAAAAT, you know you dont care about him like that, if you went the rest of your life without talking to him that would be totally fine on your part, YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT, so what he's a nice guy, doesnt mean you have to like SPEAK to him about your emotions or anthing, i mean GOD you're like the fucking patient to his therapist, its like he needs to speak to you bi-weekly about your feelings on the whole situation, he needs to LEAVE YOU ALONE AND STOP BEING A PUSSY AND MOVE ON."

so thats why whenever i speak to him, he things im a confusing, angst ridden emotional creature who doesnt know what she wants. but i DO! i know about my angel and devil, i KNOW that inside i am a good person but when stupid shit happens or shit happens that i dont want to deal with and people start wanting to deal with it, i get PISSED OFF and draw back and try to avoid the situation all together. i lie about losing my cell phone so i dont have to talk to him over the phone, i lie about being too busy to hang out or talk about whats going on, i avoid all possible communication and just hope he goes away. but this one didnt, he like refuses to go away. I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE HIM FALL FOR ME THAT DEEPLY.

but the thing is, the thing that really bothers me...

is the fact that he says emotionally he hasnt moved on, but he hooked up with some other girl last week. he was staying at her house, and they hooked up. i only found out because i saw the hickey on his neck and then he came out and told me, but i was the one that told him hes free to move on! but the thing is, i say that to all the guys that fall for me. because it's a turnoff that they want only me, and i know they want only me. so i draw back, retreat, and tell them im a mess, i dont want a boyfriend, blah blah. but then...something happens. the game is on again, i want to go in for the kill, i HATE losing my guys. i cant deny that any longer. so i play more games to try to get them to still be ga-ga over me. what am i thinking? do i really believe that every guy i make fall more me only for me to break their hearts is going to pine for me for forever? dave moved on to kelly, and it drives me craaazy. i KNOW i dont want dave like that anymore, and i love kelly to death, but just the thought of him totally happy and in love with another girl and replacing me...ugh, i cant stand it, my heart breaks. and then i realized that I was the one that didnt go out with him. he was the one that asked me if i wanted to be in a relationship, and of course i freaked out and was like "umm, no." so i dont want him with me, but i dont want to see him happy with anyone else. im a controlling, devil freak.

this is the exact same situation with him. he hooked up with that girl he was staying with, and now im trying my hardest to keep him bouncing in my court. the game changes once i find out some other chick got the guy i once wanted but dont want anymore. for example, i said that i dont want to have to work so hard for a relationship (which is bullshit, i know that if im in love with the guy and it's worth it, i would SO be willing to work at it), and he replied with that quote "nothing in this world thats worth having comes for free"....and its like DUH, but i couldnt say that to him because then he would be all "well why dont you want to work at it with me?" and then i would have no choice but to tell him i dont like him like that, and then he would start moving on emotionally to other girls and I CANT HAVE THAT. and im just flirting with him to keep him in my court and emotionally away from other girls, not to actually have him as my boyfriend. and THAT, my friends, is the game.

ladies, keep your men away from me, i implore you, its not like i can get ANY guy i want, but trust me, if hes attached i will work my hardest to get him just for the fun of it. no one is safe.  

this is all going to seem incredibly petty, stupid, low and unnecessary once i find the guy i KNOW i want to be with, with no questions asked and no games to play and no devil. i cant remain emotionally immature and bitchy for the rest of my life. i know the madness will end someday. it just HAS to.    
4 cmnt

hahaha too cute for words =) [Tuesday
July 10th, 2007
0 cmnt

June 24th, 2007
I just read Memoirs of a Geisha and it changed my life. 

well, maybe not changed my life entirely, but I'm in that weird mood now where like, I'm looking at the world and my life through completely different eyes. That's usually the sign that I have just read an extremely powerful, totally amazing book. You know, the kind of book you read in one or two sittings, and you come out of it like, shocked that you still exist. The same thing happened when I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower; I took an entirely different perspective of the world for like a week untill I finally snapped out of it.

I love finding amazing books; I love the power they have, like when you stumble upon that book where once you finish reading it you're like...breathless. And I'll never understand people who hate to read. It doesnt make you a nerd or a dork or weird, it just means that you can get a fix from something other than drugs or sex or whatever.

hmmm...books are like drugs. Once you stumble on some good stuff, you cant get enough of it untill you're slowly consumed by that amazing book, and you forget that the world exists, and you dont bathe or eat or sleep untill your fix is filled. But then once it's filled, you're always looking for that next fix. 

gah. I need my fix!

4 cmnt

June 12th, 2007

high school?


0 cmnt

June 4th, 2007

one more week of high school left. 

kababe007 (12:38:47 AM): it's a little weird, the next time i'll be in high school, i'll have to die first and then reincarnation has to exist

jesus christ.

0 cmnt

The Good Old Days.... [Thursday
May 3rd, 2007
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
2 cmnt

April 15th, 2007
I feel...like I'm settling for mediocrity.
in every aspect of my life at the moment...boys, love, college, my future...I feel like I'm settling because I'm too scared to reach for something more, or I just cant reach for anything else. I've never settled before, in my mind untill this point, everything has been attainable. I think I'm growing tired of constantly chasing for the spotlight. My standards are set too high, I have unreachable goals. I wish The Alchemist was true. I wish if I gave everything up all in the name of pursuing my "Personal Ledgend" I wouldn't end up homeless and alone. I think I want something and would do anything to get that something because in my eyes, it's perfection, but then I get something ELSE and decide "well, I'm 18, this is good enough." But I want MORE. I'm sick of settling!

I dont know if any of that made any sense. I'm on a pretty large amount of Dayquil right now.
0 cmnt

March 19th, 2007
entry from June 22nd 2006 at 2:50am:

I want to write a book. I suddenly just felt in the mood to write a book. Just a book about anything. I wish I could write, or knew how to put my feelings down in words, but not only words, words that sound nice, that flow, big intricate words...I want to expand my vocabulary. I'm too stubborn to do that, I mean I'm 17, how many more words could I possibly learn and begin to apply to my daily life? I wish I had a gift for words. My life would be so much easier If I actually enjoyed reading what I've written. But I would never be able to write a book. I always have an issue with my writing, I want bigger words and shorter sentences and I never get what I want. And sure, there's always that rare time when something just pops out of my brain and I happen to be near a pen so I can write this perfect thought down, and then immediatly I feel so happy...but then again, it's not happiness, it's something else that once again, I dont have the word for. When I write a sentence that doesn't include the words "like" or "um"...that is total happiness. Liking EXACTLY what you write, when you wrote it. Whenever I write, it's frusturating because I know that whatever I wrote could be worded SO much better, nicer, cleaner...but I just can't word things properly. So I can't write a book, because I would spend weeks and months and years and centuries fixing every sentence, waking up in the morning and thinking "wow, why did I write that this way? It should be like this..." and bleh. I dont know.

I use "I" too much in my writing too. Maybe thats the sign of a selfish person? Or a bad writer. When I scan this entry, all I see is I, I, I...I mean (ha...) I know this is about me, but I hate using the word "I." Am I crazy? I'm just frusturated, I have so much to say and no way to say it. Whatever I feel, there is absolutly NO way I can put it in words ever, because I know that there's a vocabulary word out there that I'm not aware of that could cut my sentence in half with just that word. I hate words. And literary elements. Fuck alliteration, similies, metaphors...wow, this is beyond juvenille. And I used the word "write" too much. Write, wrote, written, word....I need to go punch something.

Emily and Nicy came over tonight. They're graduating in 16 hours. And I still want to write a book.
0 cmnt

March 19th, 2007
welp, glad that's over.
0 cmnt

holy shit. song stuck in my head. [Wednesday
March 7th, 2007
There's Veronica
She's biting her lip
As she watches the waves turn white at the tip
And there's Vada
Radiating with joy
And luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy
And lastly there's Dade
His hair dances in the wind
And he's wondering what love is
And why it has to end

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...

Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard
And live for the moment now.
0 cmnt

February 24th, 2007
you know when it's like, 1:30 in the morning, and your head won't stop spinning from a zillion different horrible thoughts all cramming together, and so all you can do is post on your livejournal and hope the buzzing ends so you can finally get some sleep?

good lord...

0 cmnt

The Stoner's Creed [Thursday
February 15th, 2007

p.s- my snowintine's day was wonderful =)
2 cmnt

February 8th, 2007
you know something, I thought you were supposed to be In Good Hands with Allstate.
They SUCK.

RIP Anna Nicole Smith.
4 cmnt

guess who failed english...! =D [Tuesday
January 30th, 2007
I miss theater so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so SO soooOoO very much.
1 cmnt

January 18th, 2007
I'll make this quick.
I don't usually rant about how horrible my life is because it's really NOT horrible at all, but for some reason, karma is choosing THIS YEAR of all years to come bite me in the ass. I'm stressed, depressed, unhealthy, and on one of the worst downward spirals of my life, I'm lying to my teachers constantly now, I've ceased doing all of my schoolwork, my grades suck, I'm not doing pirates, I didn't get into seussical, I'm breaking out, I keep missing college app deadlines, and now I have to sit in a car with my mother for 5 hours to drive to a college audition that I'm not at all prepaired for, for a school where I don't have the grades to get in. I've never had my song played for me before on the piano, and I just picked my monologue like two days ago, and I know I'm going to blank out come audition time.

let me rephrase. my life SUCKS.
0 cmnt

December 31st, 2006
My life in a nutshell:

It's 3:30am on New Years Eve morning. We are currently teetering on the brink of a new year, another year of my youth gone with the drop of a colorful glass ball in New York City. Two thousand and seven. It's weird, that's my graduation year. I am the class of '07. Remember when that seemed like ages away? By this time next year I'll be in college with new friends, new experiences, a dormroom, new classes and shitty campus food. I'll probably even be writing from a new house, if this house ever sells. I'll probably write in this thing again and talk about how much my life has changed since the last time I wrote some stupid entry about my life thus far, blah blah. I'll probably still be pathetic. I've had my LJ since I was in 9th grade, I think. Boy how time flies.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this entry to get all self-reflective. What I really came here for was to get shit off my chest. Also to procrastinate. But see, the beauty in this is that the procrastination is the shit I have to get off my chest. I suggest you stop reading here if you don't want to hear another bitch moan about things she can help.

It's 3:45am and by this time tommorow I'm supposed to have my Syracuse application in. I have three short answers that, for some reason unknown to my physical being, I am heavily avoiding. I don't know why. I'm procrastinating something I really want. I'm really fucked.

I need to finish that application. And six others. I need to call Mr. Fine to get my headshot done before January 10th. I need to call Yorktown Stage to set up my audition. I called them and left a message, and the guy called back, but I never called him back. I don't know why. That was three days ago.

I need to finish setting up my auditions for each of my colleges. I've done two. Eight more to go. I hope to god my SAT/ACT score reports got into my schools ontime. I just sent them two days ago by rush delivery. I was supposed to send them months ago but I didn't know that. Thanks Jancowski.

I need to go to Borders. I need to pick up a book on Statistics, and find good monologues. I need two for auditions. I need to get my ass back to Mr. Lubin to practice my audition songs. I haven't even finalized what I'm singing yet. Shit, today (yesterday) was Saturday, right. I was supposed to have a lesson, I think. I was supposed to call Mrs. Lubin and set up a bunch more lessons for this vacation, but I didnt. I haven't seen Mr. Lubin since Christmas.

I need to do work for school. I was supposed to do this Forensics Powerpoint and 4 page paper that I had a month to do that was due last Wednesday before break. Luckly I got out of that, but I have no more excuses, I've had all week to work on it, but of course I haven't touched it. I need to do my Hamlet essay so Ms. Fishman doesn't fail me for this quarter. Oh, and that extra credit essay the cunt is making me do. And a Great Gatsby essay. I need that damn Statistics book so I can catch up in Stats because Albero is a useless piece of shit who can't teach. I need to do 15 sentences for Spanish and make up two quizzes I was supposed to make up before break but never did.

I need to stop being such a mess.

I need to not be nocturnal. During this vacation I have somehow managed to become nocturnal. I go to sleep at 6 or 7am, I wake up at 6pm, I shower, I do nothing, I at all costs avoid my college applications. Syracuse is due tommorow. tommorow tommorow tommorow. I need to type up my extracurriculars list and add it to the Common App for Syracuse by tommorow. This fucking cough needs to go away. I'm still getting over my cold, and the post nasal drip is making my hack my lungs out. The sound of my voice is changing. NYSTEA is next weekend, damn. Should be fun, actually. I'm going to miss not doing the musical, I really am. And I know Ryan, it's my choice to not do the show, I had a perfectly good part in the ensemble, so yeah, thank you VERY much. But I will miss it terribly, it was my escape from all of this. All of this mess. What have I gotten myself into? Fuck, you know, I should've just gotten up the courage to ask Mr. Banks to be my senior mentor so I could've done an internship. It was such a sweet deal! You don't have to go to class if you don't want, and I could be interning at some theater place somewhere. Bleh, you know, it's pathetic how I could spend hours complaining about all the shit I have to do when it really is quite simpler to just DO it. Aren't I supposed to have a clean slate coming into the New Year? Well, I already know 2007 isn't going to go my way. But I guess 2006 wasn't such a bad year. I wish I appreciated it more. I miss junior year. It seems like every year you miss the year before that one, but while you're busy missing the year before, you're not appreciating the year you have. I don't know if that made any sense, but basically, maybe I should appreciate my senior year more, so when I'm a freshman in college I won't say "gee, I miss my senior year." Which I doubt would happen at this point, but who knows.

I'm sorry if the above doesn't make any sense, that was just a bunch of random thoughts I had to get off my chest.

It's 4:17am. What the fuck am I writing in this for? I have three short answers to do before I go out for New Years! Before I go, I'll leave you with some food for thought:

"Describe one thing that you haven't yet accomplished in your life that you really want to do. Explain how being at Syracuse University will help you accomplish it."

Ah, you know something, I feel MUCH better. Thanks for tuning in. Later, haters.
5 cmnt

December 20th, 2006
kababe007 (10:54:57 PM): there will always be the hurt that i never did my senior show
kababe007 (10:55:11 PM): my last high school show was ripped from me
kababe007 (10:55:16 PM): i dont get my senior flowers
kababe007 (10:55:21 PM): no more alecci dinners
kababe007 (10:55:31 PM): no more going into dressing room B because dressing room A sucks
kababe007 (10:55:44 PM): no more backstage antics
kababe007 (10:55:49 PM): nothing
kababe007 (10:56:27 PM): i dont get to see you everyday, or harrison or dave or ali or sus
kababe007 (10:56:33 PM): i dont get a pirates shirt
kababe007 (10:56:49 PM): i dont get to wear it to school before the first show
kababe007 (10:57:07 PM): i dont get to cake the cheap stage makeup on my face
kababe007 (10:57:42 PM): i dont get to piss off manzo and/or walker with my shreaks of excitement for getting my costume
kababe007 (10:57:54 PM): i dont get my final bow
kababe007 (10:57:56 PM): nothing =(

...well this sucks.
3 cmnt

September 23rd, 2006
[ mood | fucking PISSED THE FUCK OFF. ]

I just realized something.
I forgot to eat today.

.....what the FUCK man.
FUCKKKKK senior year. I cant even BELIEVE this. I FORGOT. TO. EAT. FOOD. TODAY. I'M SO FUCKING ANGRYYYYY! It is 4:15am and I was was sitting at my desk just now and my stomach was rumbling like crazyy but like, I didnt FEEL hungry, so I was all "why the hell is my stomach rumbling?" So I thought back to everything I had eaten today and I realized...It was NOTHING. I had some gum, and some Volt energy soda at around 9pm. WHO THE FUCK JUST FORGETS TO EAT?? And come ON, we're talking about ME here, I'm like a damn human garbage disposal. It just BLOWS because I have 8 straight classes in a row when I have gym, and by my free 9th I don't even FEEL hungry, so I go home and take a nap and I dont eat. But I mean like, ususally I'll grab SOMETHING to eat, ANYTHING, I mean I love food, I'm always thinking about it so I'll ususally get some. But today, during 4th whene we didn't have chours I had to run home to get my English essay that I forgot about, and 6th I went out with Ali and Haylee (whos home from college for the jew holiday!!) and we went to Jean Jaques but I didnt get anything because I had to do my Current Events article for Gov and study for a Spanish test I had the next period, plus we ran into PIA HAAS so of COURSE I had to talk to her and so YEAH. FUCK URH.

I'm just like, so BLOWN away that I didn't eat ANYTHING for the whole day. FUCK. What a waste. I LOVE eating. Also, I have a HUGE headache. I thought it was just from stress because I was all over the place today, but NO, it's because MY BODY HAS HAD NOTHING TO RUN ON BECAUSE I WAS STARVING MYSELF AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT. No WONDER today sucked my left titty.

So now it's almost 4:30am and I'm currently eating a bowl of cereal and venting to you my utter frusturation about life, and also about the fact that this first semester of senior year can KISS MY FLABBY ASS. Because seriously, when it gets to the point where I'm so busy that I forget to EAT FOOD, we have a SERIOUS problem.

0 cmnt

August 6th, 2006
School seems almost like a distant dream. I feel like once I’m forced to step back into the building, it just might turn out to be one giant déjà vu moment, feeling like I’ve been there before in some former life but not quite remembering when or how or why. I hardly remember anything from junior year now, its all so strange, so foreign, I mean I haven’t even done anything this summer except for the doing nothing part, I haven’t gone anywhere or seen anything life changing or met anyone who gets me deep, yet I’m so wrapped up in good people and watching the sunrise and Smirnoff on the rocks and a million little tiny things that I hardly remember crossing the hallowed halls of BHS. Maybe this is a good thing, so when I’m forced to go to college it won’t hurt as much. I’ll be numb because I won’t remember anything, it’ll be bits and pieces of memory covered in a thick haze, a few scattered faces of people I’ve known as long as I’ve known myself for, brothers and sisters in a way, people who have literally been through my whole existence with me yet after next year won’t mean anything to me except a rushed signature in a yearbook or one last glance at graduation. I’ve realized now that I was always in school even in the summertime because I was a counselor at the town camp, located at the high school, so it was as though school hadn’t finished yet, as though it was going to be 4 years of continuation in the same place, same comfort, same old same old. And looking back, I didn’t think it was even remotely possible to just forget about school. But right now, at this moment, I can’t remember much of anything that could’ve impacted my life, I’m drawing a huge blank, it’s one dream, one colossal déjà vu moment. I’m perfectly fine right now, sober and everything (albeit it’s 6am), and yet I still hardly remember why any of it mattered, if there was drama, if big things happened, if small things happened. And quite frankly, I like it that way. Ahhh....Ignorance is indeed bliss ;)

god, I'm fucking TIRED. FUCK.
1 cmnt

a REAL post?! my GOODNESS!! [Monday
July 17th, 2006
[ mood | restless ]

so summer so far has been a complete waste of life.

ok well actually, I'm having a great summer, but I still feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life by doing NOTHING. I wish I had the money to do a program or to go on vacation or to just go AWAY somewhere, anywhere. I have the BIGGEST urge to just hop on a plane and go to London or something, and meet hot people and dance untill I die. mmmmmm....

So far, the beginning of my summer was extremely hectic and I rather liked it that way, with Lifeguard training and Regents and Grad parties and hanging with friends who would shortly be leaving me for summer programs or vacations or whatnot. But now I haven't been doing much of anything, except maybe breaking the world record of sleeping. Seriously, I now usually go to sleep at around 7 or 8am, and wake up at 6pm. Suprisingly though, I have STILL managed to maintain a social life. Paul, Emily and I have become incredibly close, we spend almost every day together and I rarely EVER get tired of their presence. We went to Mountain Creek, watched Queer as Folk for 6 hours straight, smoked and talked about life, we've seen a million movies, ran from the Tornado (hehe) and we just hang out like every day, simply enjoying each others company. I've been partying somewhat, and I like it that way. I mean, I dont feel particularly cool in saying that or anything, but still, I've been bonding with the BEST people, most of them recent graduates/Emily's friends, particularly Nicy, Jules Taube and TIFFANY who's hysterical, and other random people, like Liz Molino (strange, right?). I'll admitt it, I really do love getting drunk with those people, because they just ROCK! I've also gone to a couple of parties in Sleepy Hollow, and I met this boy Sean and yeahh...that's another story, I'll keep you updated, haha.

I've been smoking a bit too, even though I've realized that I really do prefer to drink, weed just isn't for me....so basically, this summer is being spent in the steryotypical way...sleeping 'till nighttime, waking up, and partying with awesome people. Ah, teen years....oh, but don't get me wrong, I'm still not a hardcore partier or anything, like I have still managed to keep my innocence (somewhat...hey, I'm still nothing compaired to my brother, lol)....but being intoxicated does have it's strong points, especially when you're with awesome people.

And I also feel waaaay more comfortable when I'm hanging out with the older kids. I mean, I LOVE all of my friends in my grade and whatnot, but after all, I AM older than most of them and sometimes it's nice to just hang out with your same age group. That group (mostly Emily's friends) is SO beyond awesome, there's never any petty bullshit drama with them, and they're all incredibly smart and fun people who have accepted life for what it is and also accepted me in as one of them...It's just really nice to get away from your friends and hang out with different people for once. I wish soooo badly that I had gotten to know them before this summer so we could've had more time to get to know each other even more and just become great friends. It's gonna be really sad when they all leave, and my friends come home, and things go back to normal. Mehh...I'll probably also stop partying once they leave too. It's weird, this is almost like a momentary blip in my life, I bet you anything that come school, I'm going to be back to my normal, prude, sober self. Goodbye social life...

Anyway, I still don't have a job yet....waking up at 6pm DOES pose more problems than just health issues. I need to get a job for MANY reasons...although I really enjoy the occaisional party, the occaisional smoking up, ect., I still get SO restless. I want a job so I can fill up my time with something, AND I need to make cash too, and I also have to regulate my sleeping patterns, and stop with the extreme lazyness. So once I can wake up at a decent time and start handing in lifeguarding applications I should be all good.

oh yeah, and guess whaaat? I'M AUDITIONING FOR AMERICAN IDOL!! HAHAHA!! I'm not even kidding you, the auditions are in August in the city and I'm ACTUALLY gonna go! SWEET! I'll keep you posted with THAT as well :-) 

hmmmm....anything else? I need to make a list of things to do:

hmmm....I think that's about it. Anyway, time for me to shower, Paul and I are gonna veg out and watch Crazy/Beautiful. yeahh...

♥ Kim
3 cmnt

July 8th, 2006
Quills is the best.movie.ever.

0 cmnt

Holler back youngin' WOOPWOOP! [Sunday
July 2nd, 2006

i love all my to-be college friends, wowww, SO much.
and my new ones too. Who would've thought that summer could actually be, like, fun? haha idk rawr.
and I'm bored. Holler back youngin'

....if you dont know what that means, fucking COMMENT NUCCA.
I sorta miss LJ...damn, that was a good fad. Myspace & Facebook = GRRRAWRRR!
....actually, Facebook is pretty schweet.

2 cmnt

June 22nd, 2006
I want to write a book. I suddenly just felt in the mood to write a book. Just a book about anything. I wish I could write, or knew how to put my feelings down in words, but not only words, words that sound nice, that flow, big intricate words...I want to expand my vocabulary. I'm too stubborn to do that, I mean I'm 17, how many more words could I possibly learn and begin to apply to my daily life? I wish I had a gift for words. My life would be so much easier If I actually enjoyed reading what I've written. But I would never be able to write a book. I always have an issue with my writing, I want bigger words and shorter sentences and I never get what I want. And sure, there's always that rare time when something just pops out of my brain and I happen to be near a pen so I can write this perfecy thought down, and then immediatly I feel so happy...no, It's not happiness, it's something else that once again, I dont have the words for. When I write a sentence that doesn't include the words "like" or "um" or something. That is total happiness. Liking EXACTLY what you write, when you wrote it. Whenever I write, it's really frusturating because I know that whatever I wrote could be worded SO much better, nicer, cleaner...but I just can't word things properly. so I can't write a book, because I would spend weeks and months and years and centuries fixing every sentence, waking up in the morning and thinking "wow, why did i write that this way? It should be like this..." and bleh. I dont know.

I use "I" too much in my writing. Maybe thats the sign of a selfish person? Or a bad writer. when I scan this entry, all I see is I, I, I...I mean (ha...) I know this is about me, but I hate using the word "I." Am I crazy? No, im just frusturated, I have so much to say and no way to say it. Whatever I feel, there is absolutly NO way I can put it in words ever, because I know that theres a vocabulary word i dont know that could cut my sentence in half with just that word. I hate words. And literary elements. Fuck alliteration, similies, metaphors...wow, this is beyond juvenille. And I used the word "write" too much. Write, wrote, written, word....I need to go punch something.

Emily and Nicy came over tonight. They're graduating in 16 hours. And I still want to write a book.
2 cmnt

Hmmmm....how I adore waking up to these IM's..... [Monday
May 22nd, 2006
[ mood | amused ]

crazzed karma (4:52:31 AM): dude
crazzed karma (4:52:33 AM): i dont sleep
crazzed karma (4:52:39 AM): iIM WIDE AWAKE
crazzed karma (4:52:46 AM): i just did 50 crunches.
crazzed karma (4:52:53 AM): AND WROTE SOME POETRY
crazzed karma (4:53:13 AM): who knows whats wrong with me
crazzed karma (4:53:20 AM): i need some fucking sleep medication
crazzed karma (4:53:24 AM): but im not allowed to take it
crazzed karma (4:53:34 AM): CAUSE ive already been addicted
crazzed karma (4:53:35 AM): HAH.
crazzed karma (4:53:42 AM): thats FUCKING HILARIOUS.
crazzed karma (4:53:44 AM): soYEAH
crazzed karma (4:54:16 AM): i GUESS ill see you tomorrow tramp
crazzed karma (4:54:18 AM): WAIT
crazzed karma (4:54:20 AM): im the tramp
crazzed karma (4:54:32 AM): cause i gave tommy a handjob in the movie theater
crazzed karma (4:54:39 AM): HAH.
crazzed karma (4:54:42 AM): ths FUNNY
crazzed karma (4:54:43 AM): no
crazzed karma (4:54:44 AM): just kidding
crazzed karma (4:54:47 AM): i totally didnt
crazzed karma (4:54:51 AM): like, i really didnt
crazzed karma (4:54:56 AM): i just wanted to see your reactio
crazzed karma (4:54:57 AM): n
crazzed karma (4:54:59 AM): but i realized
crazzed karma (4:55:04 AM): there is no reaction YOUR SLEEPING.
crazzed karma (4:55:05 AM): hahahaha
crazzed karma (4:55:08 AM): AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
crazzed karma (4:55:09 AM): k
crazzed karma (4:55:10 AM): ummmmm
crazzed karma (4:55:16 AM): im going to shave my legs.
crazzed karma (4:55:19 AM): peaceout.

Hey. I thought it was funny ;-)

1 cmnt

tre boredeth. [Monday
May 8th, 2006
[ mood | horny ]

LJ Interests meme results

  1. big eyes:
    I have them...I think they're sexy and cute, so I guess I'm sexy and cute?
  2. dancing:
    ...in the rain. yeah man.
  3. food:
    UMMM, ONLY MY LIFE. I fucking love food. Too much, I think....
  4. lawn mowers:
    They make the grass all nice and neat and stuff :)
  5. mozerella sticks:
    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....hoooly crap, i want mozerella sticks RIGHT NOW.
  6. old men:
    .....heh ;-)
  7. school shows:
    All the school plays are basically my life. No literally, without them I have no life. Sad, I know :-P
  8. springtime:
    Ah....my favorate season. Gorgeous.
  9. the used:
    Fucking amazing band. Rawr.
  10. yo-yo's:
    uhhmmm....they're awesome? haha, God, my interests list is so LAME, like wtf was I thinking....

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

0 cmnt

Lalalala.... [Saturday
May 6th, 2006
[ mood | calm ]

haha wow.
It's funny how just 5 hours ago i was sitting here bored out of my mind, and was in the middle of this HUGE entry describing the SAT's in detail and my eternal boredom while simultaniously pondering how sad it is that the LJ fad went out, when suddenly out of the blue Em called me and asked if i wanted to go hang out with her and Nicky Gulatta. And it was purely innocent too, like we just went to Em's house and talked about life for (literally) the past 5 hours, and my voice is completely gone, but I'm just incredibly happy; I now have that wonderful sense of utter calm, like i was able to vent a lot of feelings and it was TOTALLY what i needed after one of my most stressful weeks in existence. Like now I have something of a fresh slate; I'm void of anything that has been bothering me lately because i just released it all. And it also just made me extremely happy to come home and completely erase the other entry i was working on and replace it with the wonderful fact that no matter what, i have amazing friends who can save me from my eternal boredom. And i absolutly love the feeling :-)

1 cmnt

mmm....layout. [Wednesday
April 12th, 2006
[ mood | peaceful ]

hey look, new layout.

it's called Falling from Heaven. cute, no?

It's not like I ever update this thing ANYWAY, but still, I was bored, and I just pimped out my suck ass myspace before, and i didnt want to pimp it out again because i love it. And besides, it never hurts to have a pretty LJ, right?

umm, yeah ok, mini update, since I feel bad now. um, It's currently spring break, I just visited a college today (oh UHart, how i love thee), I've hooked up multiple times in my life now (yay, I'm no longer a prude!), Into the Woods was a HUGE sucess (i think thats where i left off in my last real entry), people have gone to France and Greece, and the French kids have just come back, it snowed the other day, and i spent 137 bucks on new spring clothes. So there you go, my life in a nutshell. um, bye?

0 cmnt

i could've sworn i did this before.... [Sunday
March 19th, 2006
[ mood | drained ]

Your Birthdate: November 19

You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested.
You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them.
Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others.
You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself.

Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence

Your weakness: Suspicion of others

Your power color: Eggplant

Your power symbol: Spade

Your power month: October

brilliant. simply brilliant. me to the core.
♥ Kim
0 cmnt

blehhh boredome [Tuesday
March 14th, 2006
[ mood | blah ]

so today, i experienced a glimpse into the near future. It's Tuesday, the day before the senior citizen/ faculty show, and 3 days before my last two Woods performances. and I'm so....fucking....bored.

gah. i really wish i had gotten into Forum now, just so i would have SOMETHING to look forward to. I hate the show withdrawl period. It's like one week, you're out 'till 10 every night, on stage/hanging out with friends backstage and having a grand old time, and then the next week it's like, BOOM, it never happened. Hundreds of people never saw you in this show, you didnt get a million complements from people you didnt even know, you never fell in or out of love, you never made these new friends, it just never happened. you begin the withdrawl period, where you simply go home every day right after school because you cant stay after because your brother and sister need to get home, and you get into your house and sit there.....and do nothing. You go on your computer, watch old 80's movies, and kinda wander around your house, aimlessly looking for something to do. There's no mode of transportation since your bro, mom and sis are all out with the cars, and you dont really have any HW that needs to be done.

so what....do....you do?

wow, i dont mean for this to turn into a "poor emo me, I'm having show withdrawl" type entry, but hey, I'm allowed to be sad, I've been through a LOT of crazy-fun shit these past few months that I'm going to miss dearly. All humans experience emotions like this sometimes, and we all want to have a purpose in life, and when that purpose ends for a while, It's always kinda depressing. so FUCK YOU!

I just officially HATE being bored because I've gotten so used to doing something with my life every day. And I know I'm going to be bored for a looong time to come. blehh. wow, i need another hobby. *sigh* I miss rehearsals already......

1 cmnt

March 9th, 2006
[ mood | .......................... ]



0 cmnt

The New Years Resolution That Will Never Be.... [Sunday
February 5th, 2006
[ mood | contemplative ]

So I've come to realize somethng. Something that required a 2nd extremely long LJ rant in the span of two days. I, generic junior girl....am NOT determined. About anything. In any way possible.

It's just so weird. I look around and I see my friends like, hunting for colleges/scholarships/whatever, or setting goals for themselves, ususally small goals though, like "ok, so this quarter, I'm going to get better grades than last quarter" or "I'm going to start going to the gym, two times a week for 30 minutes each day"....but you know what? Ususally, they accomplish these goals. Or like, they continue to work really hard at them. Me? Well, I set these goals, simple goals like "ok, so from now on, I'm going to make flash cards for every spanish quiz" or whatever, and do i reach them? Do I EVER accomplish what I set out to do?

No. Never. I'm NOT a determined person at all. I'm just not. Like, I'm normal when it comes to the beginning of setting a goal, like "OK, I've decided that I will hunt for scholarships, one or two for each week so by the end of the year I should have some money for college," (sorry Rachel, but it was a good example ;-]) but if it was me, then by the 2nd day of making the goal I would get lazy and be like "pssch, whatever" and end up NEVER reaching my goal.

See, this is why I'm going to turn into a fat-ass. Because I eat soo much, but don't have the determination to ever go to the gym. Oh, and this is why I'm late to school EVERY DAY. It's because I seriously could care less about the time or getting to school (especially THAT early), just so long as I get to school around the time I'm suppoed to be there. But this is all beside the point.

Seriously, like, I'm scared for my future. If I can't get ANYWHERE ontime, if I cant stick to goals, if I just give up on something that I'm CONVINCED I really want, then how can I ever sucessfully live in this world? There are so many people out there who would fight to the death for things, and yet I can't even force myself to get off my lazy ass and get good grades. At the beginning of the marking period I'm usually like "ok, I'll get A's and B's" and yet, by the middle of the quarter, I'm like "ok, i made this promise to myself, but you know what, It's a fucking unrealstic goal and I should just face the facts." And then i become lazy and procrastinate because something is difficult or whatever. Why do i have NO determination? Whyyy don't I care about anything?

I seriously also have absolutly NO empathy for people, like, AT ALL (which might be in connection to my no-determination issue.) When someone dies in your family? oh sure, I'll pretend to care, but i really don't, as hard as I try. When my own uncle died I didn't really care, and when my grandma died last year, it was just an excuse to get out of school. No crying, no feelings of loss, no nothing. If I ever say the words "aw, im sorry" to you, just be aware that I'm probably not feeling sorry, but I WANT to feel empathetic, but I really just can't. I dont feel anything, so when I get a bad grade on a test I care for maybe .5 seconds then i completely forget about it. I dont learn from the horrors of failing a test to do better next time because I have no feelings towards failing in the FIRST place. So I continue to fail. That's probably why my mom has such a hard time diciplining me. Because I care when she starts to scream at me about my shitty grades, but then I go into my room and POOF. I dont care anymore. I'm just glad she stopped screaming.

Is this bad? Things don't touch me, feelings dont move me. I don't cry at sad movies, I dont laugh when things are supposed to be funny, I dont see paintings or hear music and think, "wow this really touches me emotionally" because no art or music touches me, no lyrics EVER touch me, they're all just notes that sound really pretty in my head, or words that rhyme and sound cool. I don't understand the depth of poetry; I don't care when friends hurts themselves or when someone hurts my friends physically OR emotionally. It's just so weirddd. Except like, I've gotten so used to pretending that I care about other people's problems or difficulties that I'd almost convinced myself that I genuinely care. But then I started thinking about the fact that when I "care", it gives me a headache, which ususally indicates that I'm trying way too hard, which shows that I don't really care because I'm trying too hard to care. Caring should just be feelings that sort of flow out of you, not like getting a headache over made-up feelings. It's like this never-ending acting job. So yeah, this is why I'm an actress. Because I use LIFE as my stage, as fucking cliche as that sounds; I'm constantly acting wherever I am, in whatever I'm saying, It's sooo lame. God, this ENTRY is sooo lame. I'm peacing out now.

♥ Kim

5 cmnt

Show Rant #1 [Friday
February 3rd, 2006
[ mood | aggravated ]

you know what really makes me upset?

when the majority of the people that you care about the most aren't happy with something that makes you feel joy like you've never felt before. I want to be happy so badly, and when onstage, I'm ususally in this euphoric state, but I cant help but notice when all of my friends complain or see a problem with something that I dont really see. It makes me so upset; it's like, why cant i find the bad in this situation too, if everyone else thinks it's torture? i look around myself when I'm onstage and even if we're just standing around not doing anything productive, it fills me with such unexplainable joy to see all of my favorate people, here, together, in one place, sharing one common bond with good roles and good music and good laughs and just overall good times, even if the director sucks or rehearsals are long and tedious. For the first time, there's barely anyone in this show that I hate or that I'm not somewhat friendly with. I feel like I'm on top of the world because I have an amazing role along with each one of my friends, most of whom have some sort of lead and i couldn't be happier for. but like, hello? Shouldn't this make us all happy? Shouldn't it unite us, and give us all the same common feeling of exultation on the inside? I mean ok, just because I'm happy that I'm with my own group of friends doesnt mean that other people will be as happy because they might have other better friends, but really, i think that all of us pretty much like one another anyway, regardless of whether we're all BFFs or not. We're all intertwined, and i can tell that most of the cast gets along really nicely, even with a few brawls here and there. So why do people complain all the time that they hate rehearsals or want to go home, when they personally voluenteered to do this show? Most people know what they are getting into when they sign up to do a show, and even if they didn't willingly voluenteer, most people in the cast are good friends with other people in the cast, so this should make you somewhat happy, right?

I personally love doing the shows because It's an excuse for every single one of my close friends in the world and I to actually hang out beyond the classroom, doing what we love doing. It's like a dream, and I just HATE it when people don't see things the way I see them. Like, even when I was in the ensemble I still greatly enjoyed myself. It really tears me up inside when people don't enjoy themselves as much as I do; like they see going to rehearsals as this horrible, terrible process of doom and death and boredom. pfft, please. I wish people would open their eyes and look around and see how lucky they are to be hanging out with awesomely chill people, doing what they willingly voluenteered their time for. And come on, even if Pia sucks, is the show really that bad? Is getting to hang out with your best friends or boyfriend or underclassmen friends that you hardly ever see really THAT terrible, even if you're just sitting around wasting time? yeesh.

bottom line: i just want the people that MAKE me happy to BE happy.

i honestly have NO idea if that made any sense, or if anyone agrees with me, but i just really felt the need to rant, however biased this rant may be. so yeah. bye.

2 cmnt

Ahh, City Adventures. [Friday
December 30th, 2005
[ mood | ho-hum. no low blood sugar!! ]

so yesterday was fun. city adventures always amuse me.

Oy...it's another long one, children.....Collapse )

So now im gonna go eat some cereal and dwell on the fact that i have to go to fucking work on Sunday, and school starts in like, 3 days, and i still have no New Years plans. Except for working at Starfucks. which sucks balls.

*sigh* well, at least rehersals are starting soon, so i might not update for a while. tata.

♥ Kim

3 cmnt

fuck man, i could write a novel about my life, but i promise you that NO ONE would read it :-) [Monday
December 26th, 2005
[ mood | touched ]

ok so like, i owe whatever faithful fans i have left an update, no?

oh gosh, let me see, sooo much has happened since the wonders of Life, Shakespeare, and 20 year old girlfriends. gahh. I feel like i need to get quite a few things out of my clogged system. Like, every time something happens in my life, i keep telling myself "ohhh, this is SOO GOING IN THE LIVEJOURNAL THAT I DONT USE ANYMORE" and then, not suprisingly, it never does. *sigh*. It's a habit i guess, to think about updating the good ol' LJ. but whatever. i shall feed all of your hungry minds with the usless ramblings of my life.

where to begin, oh god...well i guess from oldest to newest, right?

well ok. firstly, im just gonna come out and say that i got the lead in the school play. not A lead. THE lead. and that's pretty much all i want to say on the topic, but i feel like i should explain myself a bit more, so i dont sound like a fucking cocky bitch, or whatever.

so the show is Into The Woods, you know, by Stephen Sondheim, blah blah, google it before you read any further if you have NO IDEA what im talking about. So yeah, anyway, i got the Witch, a role that has been played by the likes of Bernedette Peters and Vanessa Williams on Broadway. Very big shoes to follow, wouldnt you say? But anyway, i actually wanted to be Cinderella. but i was stupid. reeeally stupid. and i ended up singing a song that the Witch sings in the show because i thought it would really show off my range or whatever. Not because i actually wanted to BE the Witch. Too big of a role for me to handle. Besides, it was going to Aileen anyway.

so whatever, i sang my song...and to my utter shock, i was called back for the Witch....and then, i was actually CAST as the Witch. and like, it created an uproar of sorts. For the girls, this meant that i screwed everything up. The order that people had so delicately pre-casted was ruined. If i had been Cinderella, then Aileen would have been the Witch, Alikahn would have been Rapunzel, Haylee would have been Cinderellas mother, EmAnt would have been Jack's Mother, and Susanna and EmCode would have stayed as Little Red and Bakers Wife. However, they didn't factor in the thought that it was even humanly POSSIBLE for anyone to beat out Aileen, a most talent senior. And yet, i did just that. So like, i should be soo happy at this point, but all i can think about is that i fucked up the whole order of things. So yeah, there was some drama going on of course, which i'm NOT getting into now.

The point? well...i'm scared shitless. See...Aileen can handle something like this. and, as TOTALLY AND UTTERLY FLATTERED and estatic that i was to get the lead....i still don't think i'll be able to handle it. and i still don't think i really deserved it. But like, whatever, you know, i'm done dwelling. I'm happy for myself, i really am, but i also want things to be cool again between me and Aileen, because i looove that girl, and i dont want there to be this everlasting tension between us. and i dont want to be afraid that i wont be able to handle this role at the same time. So like, im done thinking about it, but im also not gonna "fuck 'em" as my dad tells me to do, just because i'm really not a selfish bitch like that. so whatever. i got the script already, and i highlighted my lines, and i hyperventilated, and felt that surge of guilt all over again, and now it's done, and i'm done, and i've let it soak in, and i'm just really ready to accept and move on and be happy.

so NOW for the moving on part...it's now WINTER BREAK and it COULDN'T have come at a better time. I've developed my usual yearly cold thing, of course. The bottom of my lungs are once again coated with a sticky fluid-like substance, my nose is stuffed to hell, and my throat is raw from the hacking up of the phlegm in my lungs, among other wonderful things. ahh...'tis the season.

so anyway, yesterday was the final Christmas Carolers session thing, singing at the Dolans in their absolutely beautiful house. So i was still sick, and it kind of hurt to sing, but lucky we got a break time to listen to Mrs. Dolan sing. I proceeded to make nice to Paco, some random 25 year old former Lubin student and christmas caroler, who took...ermm...a liking to me of sorts. I was sitting on the floor, and he was standing next to the bar, and the next thing i knew, he passed me down a glass of Bombay Sapphire on the rocks and smiled at me. So what did i do? well, i drank the stuff. Hey, he mixed it with a bit of Sprite, and i took my time drinkinig it. Plus i needed SOMETHING to get me through the ladys singing. yeesh.

so yeah, when she was done, we finished singing, me in a much better mood. Then afterwords, i introduced myself to Paco, and he found out i was 17 and looked kind of nervous and was like "oh WOW you could really pass for 21, you know?" i just laughed and was like "yeah i know, and dont worry im not gonna like, rat you out or anything" and he looked a lot happier after that.

So then the night turned interesting.

After grumbling over the cheapness of the Dolans payment (ok, 10 bucks, im SORRY, i dont mean to be stingy or ungrateful or anything, but c'mon...) i was like, "ok so howww am i getting home?" so after much begging, Phil agreed to take me (well, Paco asked if i needed a ride, but ummm, thats just too much for me, sorry.) but yeah, Phil had left his licence at home, and only agreed to drive me, his bro Robbie, Alikahn, Sus, Dave and Nick Turdo home because Mrs. Lubin was desperate. So he sighed and was like , "ok whatever" and i was like "oh come onnn, dont be scared, what could go wrong?"

so we get into his car, and we're all a little rowdy, and before i knew it, Phil accidently runs a red. And we're like "ok, we're good, no one saw"....and OF COURSE....we get pulled over. hah. i LOVEE irony, dont YOU?!

so Phil's like, shaking MADLY, and Susanna was like "GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON" and Nick and Dave, who were in the trunk were like "umm, wtf" and i was just like "oh goddd"...so the cop actually turns out to be GUZO, the same guy who pulled my bro over once before, and he's also the cop that comes into Starfucks every morning and leave a FAT tip. But anyway, this personal touch wasnt even needed, since Guzo remembered Phil fro a past encounter, and was just like "ehh...you're not drunk? Merry Christmas" and let us go. WOOOOT. i love jolly cops.

so yeah, shortly after that, we're on North State Road at the stop light recovering, when all of a sudden, we hear this HUGEE banging sound on Phil's trunk. It turns out to be HOWIE AND ERIC who had lept from their car right behind us in some sort of drunken rage, laughing madly and banging on Phil's car. i gotta say....SOOOO FUCKING FUNNY. so then we just keep driving, and they start to FOLLOW us, and they follow us to Dave's house, and drive right next to us, and stick their heads out the windows and laugh and holler and stick their tongues out and oh god we were all shreaking in laughter (or the girls anyway, lolol) it was just SOO FUCKING FUNNYYYY and like, ridiculously random. So yeah, they finally drove away, and then Phil dropped me off at my house, and RIGHT WHEN I STEPPED INTO THE DOOR my mom was like "SHES HERE, LETS OPEN PRESENTS!!"

see...in my family, we open presents on Christmas Eve. Dont ask me why, its a new tradition.

so we opened presents, me still in my concert attire and everything. I got my ipod nano and my Fantasy by Britney Spears, and my 50 bucks to Urban Outfitters, and my stocking full of goodies. And then, feeling very overwhelmed, i went upstairs, went on my computer, listened to my parents get into one of their BIGGEST fights yet (probably because my mother fought back this time in some sort of fed up rage), then went to bed. wowww.

so today (CHRISTMAS, HOLLERRR) my fam made the yearly pilgramage to mecc...New Jersey. Ohh, what fun. Actually it kind of was, haha. Going down to Jersey to see the fam is always good fun, they're just all so fucking out of their minds, its pretty cool. It's just awesome to see that everyone's main goal is to get as MAD DRUNK as possible, and in the end everyone is just in one big happy non-sober mood, including my parents. and i saw all of my little cousins because my family keeps popping out children like it's in their line of duty, and we opened presents, and laughed at the stories that made absolutly no sense, and ate awesome Italian food, and played video games and all that good stuff, so by the end of the night i was in a very good mood, and was chatting it up with EVERYONE (and usually when i first see my family, im reeeally timid and shy, but by the end of the night i just dont care anymore) and i played poker with the boys, and met my Aunt's son's new Portuguese wife's son FERNANDO, who was the HOTTEST CREATURE ALIVE OMG, and he didnt speak much English, but i didn't care because he was AMAZINGG and MY AGE he goes to a PERFORMING ARTS SCHOOL and oh gosh, when he hugged me goodbye by the end of the crazy night i was like "oh Fernando, dont let go of me with your BIG STRONG ARMS...." haha okok, but we're not going all spanish soap opera, so yeah, skipping the orgasm, it was still a very chill night. my fam = most excellent.

and oh GOD they're all coming up to New York in March to see me in the play. Now THAT'S going to be interesting to witness. My Aunt Mary Ellen is gonna fucking jump on the stage with pure excitement when i bow, i promise you. She was ESPECIALLY esctatic when she found out i got the lead, like she's such a proud aunty, it was really cute actually. Even Fernando and his mom are gonna come...mmmmm...how i long for his simple touch, for his strong, protecting Portuguese arms to wrap around me once again and...oh shit. god. im sorry. im done, i promiseee....

....and THATS IT. besides a few boy problems which im not getting into right now. suffer, mother fucker.

untill next time homiesss (and, hopefully my next entry will be fucking shorter than this one...but i HIGHLY doubt it ;-)

♥ Kim

p.s- im sorry this wasnt in a cut, but i would have lost the really cool emphasis i put on certain words and sentences. heh. but if you read all of this anyway well then, i gotta say...that's just sad. peace outtt.

5 cmnt

mmmm... [Tuesday
November 29th, 2005

thought i should update. a lot's happened since my Harry Potter adventure whichwassofuckingamazingbtw.

well...im officially 17. yay? i dunno. my parents are just psyched that i'll be 18 in a year and legally not their responsability anymore. its freaky though, really. i never thought i would reach the age of 18. or maybe i thought it wouldnt happen so fast. like, i think i thought that people only turned 18 in books or on tv. ha. ITS REAL PEOPLE. get ready for it.

the show = very nice sucess. old Billy Shakspeare does suck balls in general, but nonetheless the show went well for what it was. 2 nights of tons of flowers, complements, and of course old seniors coming back to visit (Peter and Devin were AMAZING, Devin even gave me a hug which hes never done before, but Justin and Dom, not so, probably because they both had there GFs with them, and Dom is NOT the same bubbly guy that he used to be. pfft. what the fuck did college do to that boy...) anywayy, besides the lack of enthusiasm from J and D, all went well. not as spectacular as last year mind you, but nice nonetheless (AWD FOREVERR!!) and the cast party. oh my. you guys, seriously, paul lewis is such a fucktard, he obviously WASNT that high, but once he walked in and saw all the attention he was getting, he decided to milk it for all it was worth (BTW: most people dont know this, but he is actually a pathological liar.) besides that, it was nice serenading the seniors (for over 2 hours...urh, lol) and Aileen's got a hot house, and there was good food too, and i looked hott with my curled hair and earrings from nicole (thank you!!). so yep, that about covers that.

hmmm what else...well, i feel like everyones growing up too fast. i liked being one of the few people in my grade with a licence, and i feel like it went by too fast, and now suddenly EVERYONE is in drivers ed, or getting their permits, or taking road tests ot having Gomes lessons (i heart Gomes!!!) and keith and kristin both just got their senior licences like, last week, and i realized now that a lot of my friends will have their senior licences even before me! whateverr, i dont care, drivers ed can kiss my speeding ass. p.s- congrats to everyone whos passed their road tests so far (and chrissy man...im so gonna miss driving your Jetter out for some Planet Wings excursions, ahaaha, but congrats on passing the RT man, haha!)

umm, keith has a 20 year old GF?
and i still dont have a BF, but what else is new, haha.

but seriously, im rambling. why do i ALWAYS do this to myself the day before a HUGE test?? actually testSss...AP American is the big one, followed by english, then chem. and its 12:30. wtf man, wtf.

iight, imma peace out now homies. one...?
♥ Kim

5 cmnt

not that anyone cares, but heres my person synopsis of Harry Potter. cuz im cool like that. bitch. [Friday
November 18th, 2005
[ mood | hmmm.... ]

ok, so i felt like i should write this now, just so i dont forget everything, and also because im working off of my enormous stress/ lack of sleep/adrenaline rush, which as most high schoolers know can keep one up for hours.


it is 3:10 am on Thursday (well...Friday). And i have just seen Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

and it was fucking FANTASTIC.

but hey, what did you expect from a Harry Potter movie? i mean, it wasnt going to be a piece of shit, even WITH the new director.

but alas, i do have some criticism (gasp! haha, dont worry, its nothing too harsh, and it doesnt really give anything away)

ok, there were only a few things i didnt like. one was that as you could expect, Mike Newall was forced to cut out a HUGE amount of info in order to keep the movie under 3 hours. so in the beginning, they just skip straight to the Quidditch World Cup. no Dursleys, no intro to Rons house, nothing. also, the Quidditch scene lasts less than 5 minutes. so basically, if you havent read goblet of fire, dont waste your time seeing this movie, because you will not understand ANYTHING. i PROMISE you.

anyway...as the movie went on, it actually got REALLY good despite so many missing parts and sections and characters. haha omg, soo many sexual inuendos, its crazy. and the middle of the movie was SOO FUNNY TOO like i was suprised at the constant humor which was a nice touch.

so although the movie was definatly rushed, it was nicely pulled together for the time that was allowed. Mike Newall has an interesting approach, like you'll notice in the movie that he prefers to concentrate more on the scenic beauty of everything rather then just the storyline, which makes the movie seem so real.

but thats just me.

oh, btw- the guy who plays Cedric Diggory? SO FUCKING UNBELIEVEABLY HOTT. like i dont think i can stress that enough.

and Voldemort TOTALLY could have been more evil.

but thats just me. again.

oh, and you see harry in the prefects bathtub naked. you can expect shrill screams from the younger female audience members.

iight homies. now that thats off my chest i can finally SLEEE....finish my american essay. lolol, oh man, what fun.

but if i fail american, then i think its worth it. because the movie was really fucking good. so dont be a loser....go get your broomstick and slap a lightning bolt on your forehead and break out that cloak and magic wand you've been secretly hiding for a moment like this, and GO SEE THE MOVIE.

it is now 3:28am on Thursday (okkk Friday). and i am DONE with my synopsis.

p.s- my 17th birthday/ opening night of my play is tommorow. dont forget it.


♥ Kim

4 cmnt

i hate starbucks...why must it ruin my life so? *le sigh* [Friday
November 11th, 2005
[ mood | dont mess. ]

oh...my god.
my livejournal...has got to be the stupidest piece of shit i have ever seen.
i'm looking at some of my older entries, and its like, wtf was i thinking?

i would totally make a new LJ to forget the hideousness of this one, but i dont even write in this one anymore. so no point really.

i'm thinking i should make a myspace........


haha, just kidding. fuckers.

♥ Kim

p.s- 17th in 8. dont forget it.

1 cmnt

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